


Knocked Out of the Running

by jessi_08



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:11:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6832810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessi_08/pseuds/jessi_08
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the announcement of Amanda joining New York, Hilary is left heartbroken again. She tries to visit Amanda at her parents only to find out Amanda and her brothers want nothing to do with her. However it leaves Amanda unsettled about how things ended between her and Hilary, so she sets out to find out what really happened since Sochi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knocked Out of the Running

Hilary stared at the message in front of her, her heart shattering with every word. Amanda had chosen New York. Amanda had chosen a different team. She had chosen to be away from Hilary. 

They’d had talked about it during Sochi. When Amanda graduated, they’d play together. They’d be on the same team and they’d be unstoppable. Hilary couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t think; she couldn’t move. 

“Hils?” Bri asked as she walked up. She knew Hilary had gotten the same message as her just moments ago and also knew about Hilary and Amanda’s heavily tangled relationship. 

“We were supposed to play together,” Hilary said softly as Bri sat on the couch next to her.

“I know,” she said, pulling the woman against her, “I know.”

“I don’t know what happened... we had the space, the money… I want to play with her.”

“Hils… when’s the last time you spoke to her?” Bri asked, knowing that the two hadn’t spoken in a long time. Since Amanda had gotten hurt, Hilary had been different. She didn’t have the light in her eyes anymore, she didn’t have the same fire in her. It’d only gotten worse once Denna had gotten hurt. Bri worried the woman would never step back on the ice after that. Bri only saw the light back when Dugs called and said that Kessel had been cleared to play and the phones were on fire at her coaching job. 

“I don’t know? Christmas?...” 

“Hils.”

“...of last year…”

“Hilary, what were you thinking? She was hurt and scared. You were her rock.”

“She shouldn’t have been hurt…”

“Hilary, you need to fucking get over it! Fuck man, she might not forgive you,” Bri said and let the words hang in the air, weighing down on the woman’s shoulders. 

x-x-x

Hilary stood outside the Kessel home, unsure of what to do. She knew Amanda would be there; she loved her childhood home. When they first met and she was homesick, she spent hours talking about it. Hilary loved those stories. Fishing with her brothers at the creek. Playing hockey in the winters on the same water. How she’d gotten herself stuck up a tree when she was 5. She’d been so high that they couldn’t send an adult up, so they had to try and guide her down. Hilary remembered each story with vivid detail and remembered yearning to see the home one day. She just wished it wasn’t under this type of circumstance. 

“You just going to stare at the door or you actually going to knock?” Phil asked, causing her to jump in the air.

“Shit, you scared me, man.”

“She doesn’t want to see you,” he said, a bit of bitterness in his tone.

“I know.”

“So go home.”

“I can’t.”

“Hilary,” he moved till he was standing directly in front of her, “get off my family’s land. You left her—” Phil was cut off by a car door shutting. They both looked over toward the sound and there stood Amanda next to the passenger door, the sight taking Hilary’s breath away. 

“Go home Hils,” Phil said again as Amanda stalked into the house, completely ignoring them. Hilary couldn’t listen to him, though. She followed after the girl, ducking the hard look from Mr. Kessel. 

“Manda…”

“Don’t!” Amanda yelled, turning on her heel she faced the older forward and shoved her, proud she moved the woman back an inch, “leave Hilary, I don’t want you here.”

“I’m not leaving Manda,” Hilary said, stepping forward again. 

“I don’t want to hear it, Hilary.”

“I’m sorry, ok… I messed up—”

“You left me!” the young blonde cried, “I was hurt and you just stopped answering my calls and my messages. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. I had no idea if I’d ever be back on skates and you weren’t there. You promised you’d always be there for me,” Amanda screamed at her, pushing on her shoulders as she tried advancing toward the woman. Hilary just allowed it to happen, she knew she had messed up. “I hate you! I hate you, Hilary, you left me alone when I was scared and—” she stopped when Hilary’s arms wrapped tightly around her.

“I’m so sorry Amanda. I never should’ve left. I was horrible to you and I regret that so much.” 

“Let me go!” Amanda hollered, squirming in the woman’s grip, “I hate you. Let me go.”

“I can’t do that again Manda, not now… not ever.”

“You can’t,” Amanda said and Hilary nodded.

“I know... I know I can’t fix this,” Hilary admitted defeatedly and Amanda broke free from her. The blonde was gone in a flurry running up to her room, leaving Hilary, there, heart broken. 

“Well now, sounds like someone might need a beer,” Blake said from the living room. He got up and walked over to the kitchen grabbing a six-pack out of the fridge. “Come on, we’ll drink outside and light a fire,” he said and Hilary followed, taking the beer offered to her. She sat next to him as he started the fire going. 

“You know, I always thought only Phil or I could hurt her that bad,” he said as he leaned back in his chair, taking a drag from his beer, “then you walked into her life.” He said it without any bitterness, but a slight edge, “I wish I had known meeting you, what pain you were going to cause her because I would’ve told you to fuck off, like any good brother. I’m still tempted to tell you that, but I know she needs you now. At least to fully heal.”

“I never meant to hurt her—”

“I know, trust me. I know. I also know how scary it can be to think that the game we all love so much put her in that position. I was terrified. I was so scared and nervous I left too, but I didn’t leave her. I still stood by her side when she needed me, Hils. Where were you?”

“I should’ve been here—”

“You’re damn right you should’ve. She was scared Hilary. She was hurt and the thing she loved most was being ripped away from her, and then the person she had fallen in love with abandoned her.” Hearing the words leave the man’s mouth tore at Hilary. She wished she hadn’t screwed up so badly; she wished she could go back and fix everything, but she knew it wasn’t possible.

“I can’t fix this, can I?” 

“Honestly, I have no idea. That is up to my sister, but I will tell you she doesn’t forgive easily, and even if she forgives you, she’ll never forget. You fucked up pretty bad and let’s be honest, you aren’t here for her. You’re here because you realized you have guilt now,” Blake explained and Hilary felt it like a punch to the gut. The man was right, no matter how much she didn’t want to hear it. She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the guilt. 

“Think she’ll talk to me?”

“Not this weekend, at least I doubt it.”

“I need her to forgive me.”

“No, you don’t. You want her to, but you don’t need it. You did just fine these last two years without her. She on the other hand? She learned how strong she is by herself, and how weak she can be when she relies on others to prop her up. And you, Hilary Knight, you propped her up and then let her fall on her face and that’s just not cool.”

“So, why aren’t you kicking my ass? My brother would kick someone’s ass for what I did to your sister.”

“Who said I wasn’t planning my revenge?” he smirked as he took a drink from his beer.

“Good point.”

“Hilary, I don’t like you. I’m not going to beat around the bush with that fact. You hurt my baby sister and frankly, I’d like nothing more than to take you into the woods, shoot your ass dead and leave you there for whatever animal finds you first. I also know that my sister would fucking skin me for that.

Somewhere, deep in that tender heart of hers, there is still a spot for you and I have no idea how. So, if she gives you a second chance… and you fuck it up? I won’t give you another shot. Now, finish your beer and get out of here because she’s most likely upstairs upset and that tends to drain her lately,” Hilary looked down at the beer in her hand before setting it down half gone.

“Thanks, Blake,” she said before standing up and walking back into the house. Hilary couldn’t help but look toward the stairs that Amanda had run up an hour before. Here she stood and considered her first choice: go upstairs and try to talk to her, or go home?

She ended up going up the stairs, and knocked softly on the door she knew was Amanda’s. When the door opened, she wasn’t shocked to see Amanda just as angry as she had been earlier.

“Please, Manda—”

“Hilary, no. I needed you, Hils. I begged you to help me. I needed someone to stand strong by my side and you failed me. You couldn’t even bother to answer my texts, Hilary. We had so much planned out and you flaked out the moment I got hurt. I was depressed and hurting and you just went on with your life like I never existed… I can’t even look at you right now, I’m so disgusted with you. So please… just leave.”

Hilary stood there, slightly shell-shocked as the door shut. She allowed her head to fall before she walked away, down the stairs and back out to her rental car. She couldn’t help but think about how everything had gone so wrong two years ago. How she had walked away from the best thing in her life without a glance back.

x-x-x

**2014**

Hilary looked over at Amanda as the girl curled tighter in on herself, trying to block out the pain in her head. Hilary felt terrible for the young woman. She undid her belt and moved to the empty seat next to her. Closing the blind on the window, she pushed the arm rest up, pulling Amanda into her chest.

“I got ya,” she said softly, running a hand through the woman’s blonde hair as carefully as she could to not disturb her anymore. 

“It hurts,” Amanda whimpered and Hilary nodded, knowing how much concussion headaches hurt. She knew how horrible it felt to not feel steady on your own feet, to have days where you would scream and cry in pain and there was nothing you could do to make it stop. Hilary knew how much pain was yet to come for the young woman too, and that was terrifying. She hated seeing Amanda in pain.

“We’ll be home soon,” Hilary promised, though it was only half true. They’d return to the States, yes, but Amanda would have to go back to school instead of home, after a few days reporting to USA hockey that is. 

“Hils…” Amanda whimpered and Hilary reached up hitting the call button. 

“Hey, can we get a few blankets?” she asked and the woman nodded. When she returned, Hilary took the blankets and started trying to set them up to create a barrier from the light for Amanda, though at the same time, trying not to move too much and disturb the blonde.

“Here,” Julie said, reaching over. She took the blankets from Hilary and started hanging them up, “might want to turn the air up a bit. She’s probably going to get hot quickly.”

“Thanks, Jules,” Hilary said as she hung up the blankets and managed to block nearly all the light out. Hilary heard Amanda sigh after a minute, and snuggle closer to her. “Go to sleep kid,” she said, kissing the top of her head.

“I’m scared Hils.”

“I know, I am too,” Hilary replied, tightening her grip on the woman. She didn’t know what to say. she wanted the young woman to be ok, but knew that if what coach said was true, she’d never play on the same ice with the blonde ever again. That thought alone was more painful than she could have ever imagined.

x-x-x

**Present**

“Ready for this?” Bri asked, looking over at Hilary who shook her head, paling. Today, they faced New York; today, she played against Amanda; today, she’d see Amanda for the first time since the start of summer.

“I might be sick,” Hilary admitted and Bri shot her a look.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I can’t face her Decks. We’re supposed to be on the same team, not against each other.”

“Suck it up babe cause you have a game to play in ten minutes.”

“But Decks—”

“Hilary, shut up, just play.”

Hilary tried, she tried so hard to just play. But when the third puck off Amanda’s stick hit her in the body, this time under the shoulder, she knew that it would just be a battle between them the whole time. At least that’s what she thought until Amanda hit her. She wasn’t expecting it and it knocked her into the boards. She saw one of her players fly up and go for Amanda, her heart leapt to her throat as she scrambled to her feet.

“No!” She shouted and pushed them apart. 

“What the fuck Knight?” Bolden yelled and Hilary shook her head. She was thankful when Kacey skated up and lead Blake away, explaining why Hilary was protecting the younger player.

“Fuck off Hilary, I’m not some fucking delicate—”

“Don’t,” Hilary snapped turning to face Amanda who faltered backwards, “just don’t Manda, I can’t,” she said and skated away. She went right to the bench where she got chewed out for stopping the fight. Amanda watched from the ice as the Pride coach sent Hilary to the locker room, the game only had 3 minutes left and they were already ahead 4-1. 

“Do you have to be so hard on her?” Decker asked as she skated up to Amanda.

“Shut up, Decks.”

“Manda, she’s fucking scared too.”

“Good, then maybe she understands why I’m so pissed.”

“Amanda… I miss the real you,” Bri said before skating back to her teammates. Amanda stayed rooted in her spot, thinking about Bri’s words, they stung but what if they were true? What if she was different?

“Come on Kess,” Jenny said skating up to her. “It’s just one loss.”

“Is it?” Amanda said before skating toward the locker room.

x-x-x

Amanda sat next to Jenny at the bar, leaning into her side.

“What happened between you and Knight?” Jenny asked flat out and Amanda scoffed.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this story.”

“I don’t think you’re ready to tell it,” Jenny shot back and Amanda sighed, “I don’t blame you, of course. I mean, if I was fighting my best friend to the death—”

“She isn’t my best friend,” Amanda said and Jenny’s eyebrows shot up as she stared ahead at the alcohol on the shelve. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So Sochi…”

“Before that.”

“Shit Kess…” 

“I loved her,” Amanda said and Jenny nodded, “she just didn’t show up when I needed her.”

“I know you know the story about Denna, and I know you know that Hilary dropped everything and went right to her. What you don’t know is what happened to you gave her that courage to run off there. She knew she had made a mistake from the moment it happened but she was too scared to face it.”

“Then why didn’t she reach out to fix it?”

“Because she was scared, just like you. Because she was young and just getting her toes wet and looking at joining the pros. And then, you got hurt and they told you, you couldn’t play again. She saw you and saw what she wanted falling apart for you and she didn’t know what to do. None of us did.”

“But you guys stayed! They all stayed by my side and she just left me. She wasn’t just my teammate damn it, she was my world. All I needed was her and hockey, and she understood that. But when I got hurt? She willingly walked away knowing I’d had half of my world torn away and then she just walked away with my other half.” 

“Amanda,” Jenny turned to face the young forward, placing a hand on her shoulder, “it’s been two years. You’re angry, she’s sad, it’s time to fix it.”

“If she wanted to fix it she would’ve come to see me.”

x-x-x

**2014**

Two months. It had been two months since Amanda had last heard from Hilary. Two months since they returned from Sochi. Two months since they failed at gold. Two months since Amanda could stand the light. 

“Come on kid,” Phil said as he sat on her bed, rubbing her back, “you gotta get up.”

“No.”

“Mandy, I know you’re hurting. Trust me, I know. But please, I don’t want to see you in a bad spot.”

“A bad spot?” Amanda rolled over to look at her brother, wincing as she did, “a fucking bad spot?”

“Mandy, this isn’t the end. You will get back and you’ll be stronger. You are meant to play, you were born to play. Blake and I? We just got lucky; we had to work hard at it. You? You were born with it.”

Amanda knew he was avoiding bringing up Sochi. He knew exactly what had happened, not just on the ice, but off it as well. He had been there, seen his younger sister fall further in love. He knew the two forwards had something going on before, but to actually see it, to watch his sister smile at someone like that, it made him proud, and it made him happy. His baby sister was in love and he couldn’t have picked someone better. 

“So, now we get up and we move on.”

“I don’t want to,” Amanda whined and Phil put a hand on her shoulder.

“Manda, I know she broke your heart. You know how to get back at her?” he waited till she shook her head, “beat her.”

x-x-x

**Present**

“Woah there tiger,” Phil said, walking over to Amanda. Grabbing the weight bar, he helped her guide it back into place. She grinned up at him, before sliding out from under the bar. 

“You said you weren’t going to have time!” she exclaimed as she wrapped him in a hug. 

“I made time. I’ll always make time for you.” 

“You here for the game?”

“...yeah.”

“That sounds like you have something that you want to say.”

“Mandy,” he sighed, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Ok,” she moved over so Phil could sit next to her, “talk.”

“You know I trust you to do what’s right for you. You also know that I know you’re strong, the strongest person I know. But... I really think you need to talk to Hilary.”

“Phil,” Amanda sighed and leaned into her brother’s side. 

“I hate her Mandy, I swear I do. Till the moment you tell me it’s ok to not hate her again. I hate her with every fiber of my being. Well… except my pinkie toe. Little brat’s always been rebellious.”

“I don’t want you to hate her,” Amanda admitted and Phil wrapped an arm around her, “I don’t even want to hate her. I just want to not hurt anymore.” 

“Then I think you should talk to her.”

“I’m not there yet.”

“How do we get you there?” he asked and Amanda looked at him, unsure of how to answer. 

“It’s going to take time.”

“We have plenty of that. Well, you have more than me. Some of us age a little less well than the others.” 

“You aged fine.”

“Stop lying, you’re hurting my feelings,” he joked and Amanda laughed, then sighed.

“I think I need to find out the truth.”

“Well then, we’ll find it out for you.”

“We should probably start with Julie,” she said and Phil nodded.

“Then it’s a good thing we got all week to do this.” 

“And it’s a damn good thing mom called me in,” Blake said, leaning against the door to the weight room. “I can’t imagine the two of you doing this alone, we’d run out of bail money,” he smirked and the three siblings looked around at each other, all with the same grins on their faces. They had one piece left to help heal Amanda and the journey started now.

x-x-x

Blake looked in the rearview mirror at his siblings. His mother always said he was the sensible one out of the three of them. His brother and sister were sitting in the back of the car chowing down on cheetos in the back seat, getting orange powder all over. 

“Guys, it’s a rental,” he reminded them and Phil flicked a cheeto up at him. 

“I’ll cover the deep clean,” the older Kessel said. 

“Wait!” Amanda shouted and Blake slammed on the brakes, “that’s Julie’s place.” She grinned and the two brothers smiled as she jumped out of the car. 

“About damn time,” Julie smiled as she opened the door, immediately pulling Amanda into a hug. “I missed you, Kess.”

“I missed you too Jules,” Amanda said, burying her face in the woman’s neck.

“Come on in, all of you. I’ll put some water on for tea.”

“Gezz, she’s really a true Canadian now, eh?” Blake joked and Julie shot him a look.

“Watch it, Blake, I can still kick your ass.” 

“I know Chu, I know,” Blake smirked as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

“Alright, so I’m guessing there is a reason you three are all here, together,” Julie said from the kitchen. She watched Amanda from the corner of her eye as she looked between her two brothers, “don’t look to them to save you.”

“Alright… you know about Hils and I—”

“Not because I wanted to,” Julie scoffed and Amanda turned red as her brothers laughed. Phil leaned over and smacked Amanda on the back.

“Didn’t know you had it in ya, sis,” Phil said.

“‘It’. ‘Hils’. Same thing,” Blake smirked, making air quotes.

“I need to know what happened after,” Amanda said, quickly cutting her brothers off. Julie put her hands off to either side, holding herself up as her shoulders slumping forward.

“Oh man, we’re going to need more than just tea,” Julie said. She returned to the living room a minute later with a few beers, handing them out, “you have a very long, hard story to hear.”

x-x-x

**2014**

Hilary sat on the end of Amanda’s bed, the younger forward sleeping with a pained look on her face. Hilary wished she could take the pain away for her, that she could curl up next to her and hold her tightly. She wished that she could protect Amanda from everything bad in the world. She couldn’t though, she couldn’t even touch the young woman without causing her so much pain. 

She understood that it was just the concussion, but not being able to touch her lover was horrible. Not being able to comfort her or tell her it’ll be ok or do anything to help her; it was ruining Hilary. 

It was how Hilary knew she had to go. She needed to go home, see her family, get her head on right. She messed up in Sochi; she cost them the game. No matter what anyone told her, it was her fault. Now with Amanda hurt, she felt even worse. Maybe Amanda wouldn’t have been hurt if she hadn’t had screwed up; maybe it would have been her instead. It should have been her. 

Truth was, Hilary couldn’t remember when Amanda got hit. She couldn’t remember the goals that were scored, or the penalties that were given. She only remembered watching from the box as the goal sank into the net. She remembered the feeling of her stomach turning in on itself. She remembered crying after the game, a lot. 

She also remembered Amanda waking her up in the middle of the night that night, crawling into the bed with tears streaming down her face, but not from the loss. She gasped out ‘it hurts’ and Hilary gathered her in her arms as Amanda clutched her head. Hilary quickly carried her to their trainer’s room and kicked the door with her toe till it opened. By now, Amanda was practically screaming in pain, tears flooding down her face. She remembered going to the hospital and staying with her as they did tests, and they worked her up. The word ‘concussion’ kept coming up, mixed with ‘career ending’ and Hilary felt sick herself. She called Phil because she knew her brother would want to be there, that he would know how to get ahold of their parents. She knew he would know what to do. 

Then they flew home, and that’s how she found herself here, sitting at the end of the bed watching Amanda sleep. Amanda had slept nearly for the last two days they had been here and Hilary barely left her side. 

The first day, Amanda had curled into her chest and slept, letting out whimpers of pain every once in awhile, Hilary would rub her back till they stopped. Day two, all Hilary did was touch her arm and she screamed in pain, cowering away from her. That’s when Hilary knew there was nothing she could do to help. She was helpless and would soon become a burden on the family and on Amanda. She had to leave, to let Amanda heal, because the best forward in hockey was lying in this bed with her, and she would return to the ice one day. So, she carefully knelt down, brushing the hair from Amanda’s face. 

“I love you, Kess, don’t forget that,” she said before pressing a kiss to her forehead. And just like that, Hilary was gone. There was no turning back, no looking back, just a quiet knowledge that this wasn’t the end for Amanda. She’d be back, and she’d be better than Hilary. 

x-x-x

**Present**

“You know how Hilary can get. She’s passionate and she’s strong but she loves with every part of her. God Kess, did she love you,” Julie laughed, shaking her head. “I still remember when she met you and she came bounding over to me with the dumbest grin on her face later that night and said ‘she won’t know what is about to hit her’. God, she was cocky; I wanted to deck her right there. Preying on our little ones, but she was still so young herself. Then I saw you two play together, and I wasn’t sure if Hils meant on the ice or off it. You two became our weapon of choice and you were unstoppable.”

“You think if we found better teammates we’d be better?” Blake leaned over and asked Phil who shook his head. 

“Naw, Mandy is a puck hunter. She stole all our powers in the womb.”

“I was born last dumbshit,” Amanda reminded him.

“Mom’s body decided to let the girl eggs hog all the talent,” Phil said sticking his tongue out at her.

“You did go to school, right?” Julie asked, “you do know it’s the sperm that decides the sex?”

“Ok, so you saw Hilary and Mandy play the first time, then what?” Phil asked trying to get back to the point.

“Right,” Julie looked down at her hands. “I didn’t know that you and she started… well... things, till long after they had started. A year? Maybe more, but it was clear that you loved each other. I wasn’t concerned about it either, I knew that this happened sometimes. Then talks of Sochi started, and the list became shorter and shorter of locks for Sochi. They kept talking about leaving you off. I thought they were insane, we had no shot without you, but they wanted more experience.”

“Bunch of jerks,” Amanda said and Julie laughed, nodding. Amanda remembered the talks, it was hard to not be clued in when Phil was your big brother. 

“Then the whole group sat and watched you guys play. I don’t know who but one of them figured out that you and Hilary had connected off ice. The fights in that room after that were crazy. There was no way they’d take only one of you at that point, for fear putting one of you in a funk. Now the talks were all about did they room you together? Put you on the same practice squads? Allow you to keep this up. I finally put an end to it by dragging Hilary in.”

x-x-x

**2013**

“I’m not going in there, they’ll eat me alive,” Hilary said, digging her heels in as Julie pushed her forward.

“You’d like it,” Julie scoffed and Hilary feigned offense, “Hils, you need to do this. They need to know—”

“Fine!” Hilary opened the door and the room fell silent, “Well fuck, I’ve never felt like I’ve walked in on someone talking about me more.”

“We need you to assure us that your relationship with Kessel will not affect your play.”

“It hasn’t yet, and you haven’t noticed it before either so…” 

“How long have you been with Miss Kessel?”

“I’ve been with Amanda for over a year now,” Hilary said and the group fell quiet again, “don’t pull us apart because you think we can’t handle it.”

“We can’t afford you two distracted if things fall apart between you two.”

“Yeah well, I’m not going to allow hockey to cause things between her and I to dissolve. I love this game, but I love her more. I don’t even get paid for my day to day job in the CWHL, so honestly it wouldn’t be hard for me to give up this for her,” Hilary’s words rang strong with the coaches. They knew their players were hurting for money and they also knew that many of them had aspirations for families one day and couldn’t afford to do it without being paid. They couldn’t afford to live without pay. 

“This is my team, I’ll run it as I see fit,” Katy said and Hilary looked toward her coach gratefully. 

“In that case, I have weights,” Hilary said, walking out of the room, Julie hot on her heels.

“You love her?” she hissed and Hilary turned on her.

“Yeah, I do,” Hilary said and Julie looked her up and down. 

“Have you told her?”

“No, she doesn’t need that distracting us.”

“Hilary, you should tell her.”

“Chu, it’s my choice,” Hilary warned and Julie nodded. 

“Hilary… don’t hurt her ok? She’s my friend. You are too but she’s just a baby,” Hilary sighed and nodded.

“I know Jules, but she’s going to be better than me. I can’t allow myself to ruin that.”

x-x-x

**Present**

“She never told me she loved me,” Amanda said, tears welling up. She wanted to tell Hilary she loved her on so many occasions but she was scared it was too soon. She was scared they had moved too fast. She’d thought Hilary didn’t feel the same.

“God she loved you, Manda. It was sickening to watch at times and then I saw her at the hospital with you. You were in so much pain and she was so scared that she was making herself sick. That was when I knew that she’d told me the truth. She wouldn’t stand in the way of your greatness, and she thought she was the one that hurt you.” 

“No, it was a hit… she had—”

“You know that, I know that. Hell, everyone except her knows that. She’s twisted it in her head to be her own fault. I swear Manda, had any of us known she’d left you like that, we would have straightened her out, you were her life. But she never said anything about leaving and, well, you really weren’t in the position to let us know either.”

“What happened, after we got home?”

“Hilary went off the grid for a bit; none of us could get ahold of her. We thought she’d gone home to her parents. She was being really tough on herself for the call. It wasn’t until I got a call from Sidney that realized I had no idea what she was up to and I knew I had to find her. So, I caught her after a game one night and invited her out. She was so tired Amanda, I’ve never seen her that bad. I finally got her to let me take her back to her place and she had research all over the place. There must’ve been thousands of pages scattered across her living room, notes all over; it was a tangled web of information,” Julie sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Here,” Blake said, handing over the beer he’d opened but never took a drink of. Julie’s was empty, she took a swig of the proffered drink.

“I shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I know Hilary won’t. Now, I need you to listen to this last part, and then go talk to Sid.” 

“Ok,” Amanda said, glad that Phil was now on his team.

“I spent that whole time thinking Hilary was beating herself up over the loss… but I had the wrong loss. She had data on nearly every concussion in sports history laid out in front of us. I asked her what she was doing and she took me through it all, every piece of it. I stayed and listened to her ramble for hours about how each case was like yours but not. Manda, it was November already, it was nearly 10 months since you got hurt. She was determined to help you but she didn’t want to come back unless she had something real—”

“That’s when she called Dad,” Blake said and Phil’s head snapped around to glare at him. 

“What do you mean she called Dad?” Amanda pounced on the new information.

“She called Dad and he spent hours on the phone with her Mandy. I don’t know what they talked about but… then they took you to the doctor that Sid used,” Blake explained not caring that Phil was fuming.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because Manda… you said you were done with her… you weren’t as depressed, at least not over her,” Phil said.

“I...I can’t—”

“Come on Kess, let’s go for a walk,” Julie said, pulling the woman up by her arm, she lead them out of the house.

“You shouldn’t have told her,” Phil growled.

“She deserved to know. It’s dumb dad told us to keep it from her.”

“He told us to keep it from her because Hilary asked him to!” Phil yelled. “Hilary begged dad not to tell Amanda that she called, not to let her know that she had been checking in. Hilary wasn’t ready to come back. She thought she hurt her!” Phil said and Blake’s face fell. 

He knew the woman loved his sister; it was clear as day to anyone; but he’d also spent the last two years hating her for abandoning Amanda. He’s held her as she’d cried for the woman. He’d watched and worried as she spiraled into a depression. He had been there as she had given up and resigned herself to never playing again. He knew Hilary could have fixed all of it but the woman was nowhere to be found. He had watched her have fun with her friends on social media, living up life while Amanda was at home with her window boarded up so light couldn’t slip in. 

“She left—”

“No, she didn't! God, aren’t you listening? She never really left, she was always getting updates and checking up on her.”

“She stopped replying to Manda and—”

“Blake… Amanda didn’t answer her for three months.”

x-x-x

“You ok kid?” Julie asked as they walked down the street.

“She stayed in contact with my family… and they never told me.”

“I know babe.” Julie slung an arm around Amanda’s shoulders. 

“Julie… do you know why she didn’t answer me?”

“I don’t, I wouldn’t tell you if I did either. That’s something you need to ask her.” 

“You’d tell me if you knew, though, right? You just say ‘yeah, I know, but ask her’? That’s how you work right?”

“Yeah Kess,” Julie laughed, “it is.”

“Chu… did I mess up by not reaching out before signing?” 

“Oh Kess, no. Don’t think that way. You got a really good contract and you should grow on your own for a bit, get your feet wet a little.” 

“I miss her, though,” Amanda said softly, her voice cracking. 

“I know, but you both need a little more time, ok?”

“Do you think we can fix this?”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, that part you’ll have to figure out then.”

x-x-x

**2014 Summer**

Amanda stared at her ceiling. It was dark and quiet in her room, just how she liked it currently. Today, however, it was too quiet. She missed the shuffling sounds of her family downstairs, or the small amount of light that normally peaked through the window, the one she normally cursed. If she was being honest with herself, she missed Hilary. A lot. She carefully rolled over and grabbed her phone, the screen brightness all the way down to protect her eyes. 

‘ _ I miss you _ ’ she sent and just waited. 

y-y-y

Hilary groaned as she reached over Bri for her phone as it buzzed across her nightstand, or really, Bri’s night stand.

“Shut up, it’s early,” Bri muttered pulling Hilary back down. 

“It’s noon; it’s not early.”

“Who is it?” she asked, not lifting her face from Hilary’s shoulder. Hilary looked down at the message and felt sick.

“I… it’s no one,” she said and pulled away from Brianna, “I should go.”

“Woah, for it not being anyone…” Bri stopped when she saw Hilary’s face. She knew whatever was going on between her and the strong forward wouldn’t last long, and that it didn’t come close to what Hilary had with Amanda. “Shit Hils, it was Amanda, wasn’t it?.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Hilary said softly, like a hurt child.

“Hils,” Bri moved and pulled Hilary back to her, “come on Hilary, she ignored you for months.”

“I left her Bri.”

“No, you didn’t. You couldn’t have done anything there for her,” Bri explained, brushing the hair back from Hilary’s face. She kissed the woman’s shoulder, “Hil, she needed time to heal.”

“I should go see her.”

“Hils, find out how she’s doing first.”

Hilary sighed, she knew Bri was right. When she called the Kessels’ later that night and asked to visit, she could hear how tired the older couple was, and knew that it wasn’t good if they sounded this way. When the patriarch of the family sighed, Hilary knew her answer. She couldn’t visit, things were bad. She debated begging to be able to see Amanda, she loved her and she wanted to help but she knew it would do no good. She kept picturing the look of pain on Amanda’s face when she last touched her and Hilary couldn’t bear to see that again.

So, she stayed home, and put her phone in the nightstand, off, where it stayed. She cried into Bri’s shoulder that night and explained everything to her.

x-x-x

**Present**

“I don’t want to sit in back anymore!” Amanda howled from the backseat, much to the glee of her snickering brothers, “guys!”

“Amanda, you’re youngest. You know the rules,” Blake chuckled and Amanda kicked the back of his seat. 

“Mommy’s not here to protect you Blakey!” she reminded and he huffed.

“Guys, shut up, we’re here.”

“Dang,” Amanda said, expecting a rather large house, instead of an apartment. She followed Phil up to the door, Blake right behind them.

“Ah, right on time,” Sid said as he opened the door, “Julie warned me you were on the way. Now, I hope you’re ready for this?”

“More than ready,” Amanda said and Sid grinned.

“Good.”

x-x-x

**2014 Fall**

“Here, look at this,” Hilary said, handing a file over to Sidney as he handed her one of his own. 

“Knight, have you thought about what you’re going to do if there are no answers?” he asked, reading the papers in front of him.

“There are always answers,” Hilary said and Sidney put the pages down, pushing her own down. 

“Hilary, they haven’t been studying these things for very long yet. This stuff is brand new and there aren’t always answers.”

“If I think that way, I’ll never get her back,” Hilary said and Sidney nodded.

“You know you can go see her. You’re an adult, nothing's stopping you.”

“You didn’t see the pain she was in…”

“You didn’t cause that pain Hilary. You aren’t why she’s in pain. This thing she’s going through is the worst thing she will ever go through and she wants you to be there with her. She needs you to be there.”

“I can’t be there.”

“Hilary!” he shouted and Hilary finally looked back up at him, “she’s scared and alone right now. I know you’re scared too but Knight, that girl isn’t prepared for this.”

“I’m more help here.”

“Stop bullshitting yourself.”

“I can’t be there Sid! I can’t. I love her and I left her. I walked away when no one told me to. I left her in the care of her parents and… I failed her.”

“Gezz Knight… this isn’t your fault.”

“Isn’t it?”

“You can try and take the responsibility for the loss, but you didn’t hit her, you didn’t cause this.”

“I just need to find a way to help her.”

“Alright, well… you and I will go talk with my doctor and… I’ll gift the service to the family.” 

“I can pay—”

“Trust me, you can’t. Anyway, I want to see her play again, just as much as you do.” 

“Ok…”

“Hey, Knight… truth, you were going to give everything up for her, weren't you?”

“Yeah, I was.”

“We’ll fix her.”

x-x-x

**Present**

“You never said anything,” Phil said and Sidney looked at him.

“You never asked man, I wasn’t hiding it.”

“Wait… so you… you covered my bills?” 

“Yeah,” Sidney rubbed the back of his neck, unable to make eye contact, “I couldn’t watch you go down like that. I knew the pain you had to be in… I wanted to help without being found out.”

“I can’t thank you eno—”

“Don’t,” he said quickly, “don’t thank me, thank her. She pushed to get more information and to get you the best treatment. She also pushed the league to help make changes. She cares about you Kess, more than you know.” 

“Ok, I feel like I’m missing something here,” Blake said, gaining the attention of the room. 

“What do you feel like you’re missing?” Sidney asked.

“Why, if she loves our sister so much, did she not answer her?”

“That, you need to talk to Hilary about,” Sidney said and Amanda’s chest tightened. She hadn’t had an actual conversation with Hilary since her injury. She hadn’t wanted to take the time once she was better. She wrote Hilary off because Hilary wrote her off. Or at least Amanda thought she had.

“I have to do this one on my own guys,” she said and her brother’s looked at her.

“Like hell Mandy. We aren’t letting you do this alone.”

“I need to. I need my own answers, without you two bullying her.”

“We won’t bully her,” Phil said and Blake nodded.

“Please… just trust me.”

“We’ll go with you, but you can talk to her alone. We just want to be there if it doesn’t go well, cool?” Blake asked and Amanda nodded. 

“Amanda,” Sidney said as the siblings got up to leave, “you aren’t going to like what you learn, but understand that you were both scared.”

x-x-x

Amanda stared at the apartment door. She couldn’t knock, she couldn’t move, or even breathe. She was terrified. Her brothers, for once, were allowing her to take her time. After what felt like an eternity,  she lifted her hand and knocked.

“Hang on!” a voice rang out from inside and Amanda’s heart dropped, that wasn’t Hilary’s voice. When the door swung open, Brianna Decker stood in front of her. “You certainly aren’t the pizza guy,” she said, shocked, but she grinned and pulled Amanda into a hug, “fuck girl, it’s good to see you.”

“Decks! What are you doing here? Isn’t this Knight’s place?”

“You think we can afford to live on our own? You’re living high up there on that 26k salary and we’re slumming it down here—” she got cut off when Amanda shoved her playfully.

“Shut up. I only make one more than you,” she grinned and Bri stepped aside. 

“Well, that one more means you can cover the pizza, thank god I ordered extra. Hint, if you’re going to pay for delivery make sure you order enough for multiple meals.”

“I’ll cover lunch,” Phil spoke up and the two women grinned. 

“Alright, so why are you here?” she ushered the family into the apartment, “I’m guessing looking for Hils?”

“You’d be correct,” Amanda smiled. “I… well we… we need to sort this out.”

“About damn time, she’s been a miserable bitch for two years.”

“Hey… that’s right, you’ve been with her this whole time.”

“Well, except for a few months there, but yeah.”

“What happened Decks? Why didn’t she answer me?”

“Woah… wait what? Why didn’t she answer you? Why didn’t you answer her Kess? She tried to get a hold of you over and over again, and you never answered.”

“What? No, she didn’t, she walked out after dropping me off at home and never talked to me again.”

“Woah, Kess no…” Bri got up and walked over to the bedroom, disappearing inside. She could be heard rummaging around for a few seconds before she appeared with a phone in her hands. She tossed it over to Amanda, “she got a new one nearly a year ago now, but she saved that one cause it had all the messages on it.” 

Amanda stared down at the phone, turning it on she started scrolling through the messages. There were stacks of them from her to Hilary till finally she came across Hilary’s to her. There were hundreds of them, from the day she left Amanda safely in her parents’ home to three months later, two months after that Amanda’s texts started.

“I… I never got any of these.” 

“She thought you ignored her for months Kess, and she needed her own help. She beat herself up over that loss so much.”

“It wasn’t her fault.”

“We know that, but you know how that stuff goes. You always blame yourself,” Bri said as she watched Amanda still going through the messages. 

“Why did she stop?”

“Because she had to let you go. She needed to focus on herself and get herself back. When you started messaging her back, she isolated herself even more. She spent months trying to find a way to help you. She didn’t sleep, barely ate… she was a wreck.”

“But she never messaged back.”

“She never had good news.”

“But… I needed her.”

“Kess,” Bri crossed the room and pulled the forward into her arms, “she was scared and alone, and wanted nothing more than to help you and didn’t know how to do that.” 

“I didn’t think you needed me around,” Hilary said from where she’d just walked in and Amanda looked up at her, tears in her eyes.

“I… I didn’t know—”

“You lost three months? Yeah, I figured that out myself but I figured it was too late, I hadn’t responded to you in two months by the time I learned that could happen,” Hilary said she walked over and sat across from Amanda, taking her hands in her own. “Manda, I didn’t have a clue what you were going through. I don’t think I wanted to know,” she admitted and Amanda nodded.

“Ok boys, let’s go hunt down that pizza,” Bri said, grabbing Phil and Blake by their shirts and practically dragging them out of the apartment. Hilary waited for the door to click shut before she tilted Amanda’s face up. 

“I should’ve stayed by your side from minute one.”

“It’s not like I would’ve remembered it,” Amanda said weakly and Hilary let a small smile break on her face. 

“That’s ok, it’s really ok, because at least I would have been there for you.”

“I apparently was pretty miserable those first three months anyway,” Amanda gave a small smile. 

“I loved you Manda, and I messed up because we just didn’t… we didn’t communicate. I...” Hilary pulled her hands away and looked down at the floor, “I slept with someone.” 

“I don’t blame you,” Amanda said, pulling back further away from Hilary, “I screwed up.” 

“Oh babe, no, no you didn’t. We just missed cues from each other.” 

“Can we start over, be friends?” Amanda asked hopefully and Hilary smiled.

“I’d like that, a lot.”

“So would I,” Amanda said and Hilary leaned forward running her thumbs under the blonde’s eyes, wiping away the tears that had fallen. 

“You’re still the best Kessel out there,” she said softly and Amanda chuckled softly, “now, you’re also the unstoppable one.”

“I don’t know man. I just beat my headaches, Phil beat cancer.”

“It was ball cancer, even wimpy Lance beat that shit,” Hilary joked earning a laugh from Amanda, “I’m glad you’re back, though, even if you did launch pucks at me during that game.”

“Sorry about that,” Amanda said, turning red.

“Don’t be, I debated doing it too, but my wrister would sting just a little more than yours.”

“Just wait Knight, I’ll get back on my game.”

“I don’t doubt it,” she grinned, “come on, we should go find your brothers and Decks,” Hilary said pulling Amanda to her feet. She started walking to the door when Amanda knocked into her, hugging her tightly. Hilary stood there for a moment, stiff as a board. She hadn’t been expecting this, the wounds were still fresh. She slowly melted into the hug, however, and kissed the top of her head. 

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright,” Hilary said.

“I know, I just wanted one more minute before we started over.”

x-x-x

It started simple. They’d end up hanging out with their teams together, being part of such a small league meant you knew everyone anyway. So, they found themselves at bars, a lot, and even if Amanda rarely drank nowadays, she always enjoyed herself. 

They almost always found themselves talking together as their teammates mingled. It was awkward at first, they both knew too much about the other to really act like they had just met and truly start over. As time progressed, however, they fell into a good rhythm. It wasn’t long before Hilary was bringing up Amanda’s family and the blonde was comfortable enough to talk about them openly. She’d had to forgive her parents for not telling her that Hilary had been in contact with them and they’d had to forgive her for not telling them she was in love for a year before Sochi. It was a learning curve for everyone involved. 

Amanda learned it had been Bri that Hilary had slept with and her heart shattered all over again. She pulled away a bit, but this time, Hilary chased after her. This time, when Hilary showed up to the Kessel family home, Phil willingly let her in. Hilary explained everything to Amanda who was still hurt, though slowly, she realized she was going to be hurt no matter who it had been. 

Hilary didn’t know what she’d been expecting when Amanda announced she’d return for her second season with New York. She had been holding out hope that since they started sorting through everything, that maybe they’d be able to play together soon, but needless to say, it wasn’t happening. Amanda tried to explain that she’d made a home in New York and Hilary was still her best friend, but she wasn’t ready to approach the subject of returning to ‘them’ yet. 

Then PyeongChang talks started and they were roomed together for camps. Hilary knew why the coaches were doing it, but she really needed a break. Being so close to Amanda again started to wear her out mentally, she feared saying something wrong to the girl and ruining all the work they had put it. 

“You know, four years ago, you never would’ve given up the window bed, to anyone,” Amanda said one night as they laid on their bed watching a movie. 

“You asked for it?”

“I wasn’t expecting for you to cave though, you always told me to shove off. Of course, I always ended up in bed with you anyways, back then,” Amanda said her cheeks flaring slightly.

“You saying had I kept the window bed, I’d wake up with you cuddled into my side, Kess?”

“In your dreams Knighter,” she laughed, throwing a pillow at Hilary. 

“I’m gonna go find food,” Hilary laughed, getting up, “want anything?”

“I’m ok.”

“Alright,” Hilary said, pulling her sweatshirt on before looking back at Amanda, “hey, come with me.”

“What, but I’m comfy?”

“Come on loser,” Hilary joked and Amanda groaned as she got up. Following Hilary out of the room.

“You know we’ll get in trouble for being out this late.”

“Yeah right Kess, we’re just getting food.”

“True, and we need to eat.”

“And a really big greasy burger sounds so good right now.”

“Alright, you sold me,” Amanda grinned as Hilary opened the door to the bar they had walked to. 

“Perfect, cause we’re here,” Hilary allowed Amanda to walk in before following her, “come on, best spot is over here.”

“Been here before?”

“Just a few times,” Hilary smirked. 

“If I remember correctly, this is the same place you, Decks, and Dugs dragged me out to my first year.”

“Yup,” Hilary grinned, “and Chuy, don’t forget her.”

“I could never forget Chuy.” 

x-x-x

Hilary felt herself drag on the ice. Every movement took energy she didn’t have to spend. She knew when they returned to the room at three in the morning, they had made a grave mistake. Now at eight and at practice she was waiting for coach to give her a stern talking to. 

“Knight! Kessel!” their coach finally shouted and the two made their way over to him. “What the hell is going on?” he barked out and Hilary sighed.

“Sorry coach, we just—”

“We got burgers and caught up last night and lost track of time,” Amanda answered truthfully and Hilary rolled her eyes. 

“You know the rules,” he said but his face softened. He knew the history between the two players and had been hoping the rooming situation would put them back on the same page. It seemed his plan worked. 

“Sorry coach, it won’t happen again.” 

“It better not Kess. Now get out there and look more alive.” 

“Yes sir!” they both said before skating away.

“It won’t happen again coach,” Hilary mocked and Amanda elbowed her.

“Who wanted burgers?” 

“Who ended up talking till late in the evening?”

“Oh, don’t you blame this one on me, Knight,” Amanda said sternly and Hilary grabbed Amanda’s arm, stopping her.

“Hey, I don’t regret last night. I’m glad we got the chance to catch up and talk, even if we did get chewed out.” 

“We didn’t get chewed out but yeah me too,” Amanda smiled. She learned where she was with Hilary again, and that the last year or so had put them back onto really good terms. With the next Olympics only a month away she was glad to have her best friend back, glad they were finally over this awkward stage in their lives.

“Alright best Kess, first to twenty buys drinks?” Hilary asked and Amanda smirked.

“You’re so on.”

“Hey, at least if I lose you only drink water so you’re a pretty cheap date,” Hilary smirked back. Amanda replied by shooting a wrister right over Rigsby’s shoulder.

“Stop showing off Kess, it’s not fair!” the young goaltender whined as Amanda raised an eyebrow in challenge to Hilary. 

“So, Knight?”

“Double or nothing?”

“Deal.”

x-x-x

“I can’t believe in two weeks we’ll be going to… well… guys?” Alex said looking around the table at her teammates.

“The Olympics, Carpenter, we’ll just say the Olympics,” Duggan smiled at the young forward.

“Sweet! Two weeks guys!”

“And in four, we’ll be—” Brianna started.

“Don’t!” half the table yelled as the girl smirked.

“All I was gonna say was in four we’ll be back home. I don’t know about you guys, but my bed is so much better than anything the Olympic Village provides,” she said and everyone chuckled. Hilary got up and went to find Amanda sitting alone at the bar.

“For someone who doesn’t drink anymore, you’re sure spending a lot of time over here instead of with us,” she said sitting down next to the woman.

“Sorry, I’ll come back over.”

“It’s ok, I like it over here better anyway. Better company.”

“Thanks, Hils,” Amanda offered a small smile.

“Hey kid, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s nothing,” she tried to brush it off.

“It’s obviously not nothing, you look worn out, and frankly, scared.”

“What if I get hurt again?” she asked turning to Hilary, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m not ready to give up this game Hilary, I’m not ready to be done.”

“Amanda,” Hilary cupped her face, holding her steady. “Nothing is going to happen to you. You’re strong and an amazing player, you’ve taken some pretty hard hits already and are fine. You will be fine.”

“I’m scared Hilary, really fucking scared.”

“Don’t be, I got your back,” Hilary smiled and it put Amanda at ease. Hillary had her back, this time, if she got hurt again she knew things would be different, Hilary would be by her side through the whole thing. She knew she wouldn’t be alone.

“Hilary… would you please go out with me? Like out on a date with me? Again?” Amanda stuttered out, her cheeks flaring bright red, she confused not only herself but Hilary.

“Manda?”

“Hils, would you go out with me?”

**Author's Note:**

> So let me know what you guys think about this one!


End file.
